Part 8: Dark Night of the Soul

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I was so happy to be home. Paul was happy to be home. Henry was happy to be home. But Steph was obviously suffering from "clipped wings" having us home again. She was used to going where she wanted to and when she wanted to go without really checking in with Mom.

One evening I went into her room to say goodnight and she was on the phone crying. I thought, "Great! She finally broke up with her boyfriend Randy." Now maybe things with get back to normal around here. Wrong!

A week after Christmas I came home from work and she and Randy were there waiting for me. "Mom... I'm pregnant." I still don't remember what I said to her. I was in shock. My perfect Christian girl! How could this happen?! We talked about sex. She was adamant about waiting for marriage. And it wasn't like she was stupid or naive. She knew what to do to protect herself. She even took her friend to Planned Parenthood over the summer to get birth control pills after she had a close call.

She assured me that she would finish her senior year and that she a Randy would get married. But that wasn't what I was worried about most. I was already dreading the long distance call that I had to make to Jason in Saudi.

Jason must have been in shock too. I suspect this because for the first time ever - he was speechless. I was relieved that he had nothing to say, but I knew it wouldn't last long and I was right. The next day he called me and let it all out! He told me that he knew that she was having sex and how I shouldn't have let her stay out so late. He told me how Randy promised him that he wouldn't keep Steph from going to college and succeeding in life.

Jason came home about a month later and never return to Saudi. He was very sick with diverticulitis (which has a big stress component) by the time he arrived home. I was stressed to the max also. I had refilled my Zoloft and started taking it again. I was having chest pains from the anxiety and my doctor put me on Ativan. Jason and I were at each others throats with blaming one another.

In February Steph moved in with Randy. She transfered to the alternative school in the district so that she could work and finish school. She graduated in May and Ethen was born on August 13, 2006. Steph and Randy have not married yet, but they bought a house together. Jason and Randy still do not speak.

After all this, I stopped going to church. I felt ashamed of what had happened in my family. I had gone to Saudi because I thought God wanted me to be with my husband - but we fought the whole time, so I came home. My daughter got pregnant half way through her senior year and was now living with her boyfriend. My husband, who was supposed to be a godly man, couldn't even find it in himself to forgive Randy.

The sad thing is that I didn't feel I could share these feelings with anyone that I went to church with. Sadder still is that nobody at my church even called me to find out why I stopped going. I'm not even sure that anyone noticed. I had definitely entered a "dark night of the soul". I even stopped reading my Bible. I was scared of walking away from God, but I just didn't know how to make it better. I felt empty.

Part 7: What was I thinking?!

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I'd heard horror stories about getting through customs in Saudi, but I had no problems. I had packed everything that I thought I would need in our suitcases. Clothes, toys, books, my art supplies, my spindles and fiber..and my Bible (that is what I was really worried about). But we had no troubles there. After we passed through customs, Jason was there waiting for us. He looked so happy and relieved that we were finally there with him.

He drove us from the airport in Dammam to the ARAMCO compound in Dhahran. It was a bit surreal passing the machine gun nests as we entered the 10 square mile compound. Jason was excited to show us the house that he had prepared for us and the car he had bought and fixed up so that we would have transportation. I was so exhausted from the 24 hour-plus trip to get there, that I just wanted to sleep. But when I went to bed that night I just cried. I missed Steph and Paul so much. Everything was so different there.

Henry loved it there. There was a park right across the street from our house. The compound was kind of like 1950's America. Women stayed at home and went to club meetings. The kids were in little league. We got Henry registered for school and were amazed to find that the class sizes were small. There would only be 15 kids in his class. He and Jason got to come home for lunch every day.

I didn't even have to clean house while I was there because we had a house boy. All I did was read, paint and spin. They even had church services there (on Fridays... the weekend was Thursday and Friday there). But I was miserable and I was making Jason miserable.

I can look back now and remember the good things about my time in Saudi, but when I was going through it.... it was terrible. I felt so guilty about leaving Stephi and Paul. Steph seemed fine when I talk to her on the phone, but Paul. Oh, talking to Paul made me feel so bad. He was as depressed as I was. He missed me, he missed his sister, he missed his friends. Jason kept telling me that they would be fine. That if I stayed I could travel home for holidays and for 3 months in the summer.

I knew that God wanted me to be there with Jason, but I became less and less sure of why. I was so sad. Jason and I argued all the time. I thought for sure that there was some great purpose for me there... but I never learned what it was. I complained and complained until Jason couldn't take it anymore and we came home in November, less than 5 months after I got there.

Jason came with us and we had a great Thanksgiving with our family and had lots of interesting stories to tell. Jason returned to his job in Saudi a few weeks later and I started job hunting at home. I thought that I had made it through the toughest time in my life - but my greatest trial was just around the corner.

Sunset on the Arabian Gulf

This picture was taken 3 years ago. July 2005 on our way back to Dhahran, KSA from Bahrain. The sunsets were spectacular over there.

Saudi

My Thursday Fro' Me To You is about this picture.

In October of 2004 my husband decided to take a job with ARAMCO in Saudi Arabia. What can I say...the pay was REALLY GOOD. The original plan was for the whole family to go. Then we learned that they didn't have school for the (at that time) teenagers on the protected compound, only up to grade 9. I talked to the kids and we looked at Christian boarding schools. They finally decided that they would rather stay here in Arizona. Stephanie (nearly 18 at the time) stayed in our house with an older Christian girl from church and Paul (still 16) stayed with my brother. By July 2005 Jason had finally got me and Henry approved to join him in Saudi.

It was very difficult for me to leave the teenagers behind, but I knew that I'd be back to visit in 3 months. I just felt that God wanted me to be with my husband. It was a tearful goodbye at the airport for all except Henry. He was so excited to be taking this adventure. But when we got up in the air and he looked out the window to see the city and houses below, he started crying which made me cry again too.

It took us more than 24 hours to get to Dhahran, KSA (Kingdom of Saudi Arabia). We went from Phoenix to Denver to Frankfurt to Dubai to Dhahran. It was late at night when we arrived and Henry and I had to go through customs before we could get through to the area to meet Jason. We had brought 4 suitcases packed with clothes, shoes, computer games, books, art supplies, toys etc. I was so worried that they would confiscate my Bible, but they didn't even open our suitcases. What a relief.

After customs we finally saw Jason. He looked so happy that we were finally there. All the way to the ARAMCO compound he was telling me about the car he got so we get around easier, the house they assigned him and how we could decorate it, trips we could go on, etc. He was clearly so excited that we were finally there with him. But I was so tired and miserable (I had weaned off my Zoloft before this trip). Once we got to our house I couldn't stop crying.

The next morning we went to the Dhahran Mall so that I could get an Abaya. They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

I look back on our time in Saudi Arabia fondly now. I never thought I would.

Silence, Sweet Silence...

I just received a text from Jason that he and Henry are on the airplane and set to take off on time.  After staying up until 3am, I was up at 830 (and feeling very sleep deprived, I might add) so that I could drive Jason and Henry to the airport.

After the drop-off, I stopped-off at Walgreen's to pick up my Zoloft prescription.  I've been working at weaning myself off Zoloft AGAIN.  The last time I did this I was taking 100 mg daily and had to go off it so that ARAMCO would approve me to go to Saudi Arabia (a long story).  After returning from Saudi and Stephi getting pregnant half way through her Senior year in high school, well, the stress was too much and I started taking it again, but after a few months settled down to 50mg daily.  But that was over 2 years ago and it is hard to lose weight while on SSRI's.  So I am weaning myself off again.  I'm down to 25mg daily and about to go down to 12.5mg.  So far I haven't had the horrible withdrawal symptoms that I had last time.  No nausea, headaches, dizziness, 'zapping'.  Of course I had been on 100mg daily for 7 years.  This time on 50mg for 2 years. Here's hoping.

I also picked up some Alli at Walgreen's.  That should help with the weight loss as well.  I'll keep you posted.

So, back to the silence.  It's so nice, I almost hate to go to sleep.  But since I have to work tonight, it's not a good idea to stay awake.  Off to bed for me.